A Bitter Pill

Ever just get really tired of being bitter? Like, I’d love to just be happy for someone, even though I want what they have. I know that God didn’t design for this to be my life. A life lived in bitter thoughts and angry feelings towards those who have what you don’t. Bitterness is a poison, and one I blindly got swept up in for the last 5 years. 

I was literally never a bitter person growing up. Even into my adulthood, I was so confident in who I was and who God made me to be. Sure, nobody is perfect, but bitterness was never I thing I look back and think, man, wish I could’ve changed my attitude or had been grateful for what I had. These last five years have been the most difficult and bitter-filled of my entire life. Was it a sin I committed? Was it something I had done to anger God? I reviewed it all in my mind consistently. Maybe, maybe I hadn’t prayed enough or I was not showing enough faith. These moments of questioning became very dark. I started asked questions to God like, “Why do you hate me?”, “What did I do to deserve what you are putting me through?” , “Do you think I’ll just be a bad mom, is that it?” Once doubt crept in my mind about if God was the culprit, I began to question God’s character. Every time I got invited to a baby shower or a kid’s birthday party. Whenever I’d be at a family event or a hang out with our friends. Why did God put me in these places with these people during this incredibly dark part of my life? I was filled with bitterness towards each of them. It didn’t matter if I even knew the woman, if a pregnant woman walked by me, I immediately harbored bitterness and hate in my heart towards her. I didn’t want anything to do with women who were moms, women who were pregnant, or were trying to get pregnant. So why is bitterness such a hard thing to overcome? I think mine was led by my own insecurities. Insecurity that I had of not being enough of a woman to get pregnant. After all, didn’t God design my body to do that as a woman? Insecurity also in the fact that I didn’t believe God loved me as much as He did the women He was so generously giving babies to.

I still don’t have my baby. However, one day I know I will. Will I ever give birth naturally? I don’t know. You know what though, I know, even after all that dark and bitterness, God has single-handedly delivered me from that pit I was in. I still have bitter filled moments and days. I know that my identity is not in “being a mom” or not. My identity is who God says I am. His beloved daughter. He says I’m enough as just Sarah, the girl He created. He says I’m perfect, with or without a child. That bitterness…. That has to be Him who deals with it, because I can’t take that weight anymore. 

Have you dealt with bitterness and anger? Jealousy? What was the outcome? How are you doing now? 

Infertility With a Purpose

Sarah